Tell Me How All this, And Love Too, Will Ruin Us
by BerethNar
Summary: They're not exactly sure how it happens, but sometime in the beginning of Stiles' senior year in high school they start the whole friends with benefits thing. Everything goes surprisingly well for them until it's time for Stiles to choose a college. (a.k.a. The one where neither Stiles, nor Derek want Stiles to leave but neither of them actually say it.)
1. Chapter 1

"So," Stiles says as he flops down on Scott's bed and arranges himself so that he's sitting there cross-legged. "I got into MIT."

"Dude! That's awesome!" Scott is the picture of pure unadulterated happiness and it makes Stiles crack a smile too.

"Yeah. I'm not sure if I'll go though." He says as he starts to fiddle with the straps of his hoodie.

"What? Why not?" Scott asks, furrowing his brow. "You've always wanted to go there."

"Yeah, I know. It's just that... things are different now, you know?" Stiles lifts up his head to meet Scott's eyes. "I think I might go to BHC instead."

Scott is now looking at him like Stiles has just said that he's dropping out of high school to become a stripper.

"Beacon Hills College?! Stiles, have you been drugged? You can't go to BHC!"

"Why not?" He scrunches his eyebrows. "You're going."

"Yeah, because I'm dumb and none of the good schools will take me!" Scott shouts exasperated.

"Scott, you're not dumb." Stiles answers with a serious look.

"Everyone knows I'm a potatoe, dude, it's fine. But you're not! Okay? So just... Can you please explain to me why you're even considering choosing BHC over MIT because this really doesn't make sense to me."

Stiles sighs and leaves his hoodie alone.

"I don't know, dude, it's just that..." He pauses and thinks for a moment, trying to choose his words properly. "I never thought I'd have enough reasons to stay. I kind of always wanted to leave here as soon as I could and have that chance at a fresh start in a new environment, with completely different people or whatever. I had no one keeping me here, so going to the furthest school I could think of always seemed like the right decision."

Scott looks at him a little hurt and Stiles waves his hand at him. "Oh shush, you know what I mean. I never had anyone_ besides_ you. But I've always known we'll be close wherever I was so I never thought leaving you behind would be an issue, you know? But apart from you I had no one, Scott. I was invisible and it frustrated me and I just really couldn't wait to go away. But now we have our pack, and there's Derek's pack and..." Stiles trails off, looking pointedly at the floor.

"And Derek?" Scott finishes.

"Yeah. That's the thing. I don't know that." Stiles shifts uncomfortably on the bed. Scott moves and sits beside him.

"What do you mean you don't know? I thought you guys were together."

"We're not together."

Scott cocks his head and concentrates as if he's thinking really hard. "No, you're definitely together." He says with a nod and Stiles just shoots him an irritated look. "So what's the problem?"

"He is. I am. I don't know!" Stiles shoots his hands up in exasperation. Scott puts his hand on Stiles' shoulder to calm him down.

"Stiles, buddy, come on. Talk to me."

Stiles lets out a long suffering sigh and rubs his hands down his face before resting his elbows on his knees, face still in his hands.

"It's just that... We always said that this wouldn't be anything serious and that we'd end it before I had to leave for college. And I was totally fine with it, more than fine, I mean who wouldn't be okay with being fuck buddies with Derek Hale?"

Scott lets out a pained noise and Stiles shakes his head.

"Yeah, sorry. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I was perfectly content with having a non-committed-almost-relationship with a clear expiration date, but now I'm... kind of not."

When he doesn't say anything else after a few long moments, Scott gently squeezes his shoulder, encouraging him to go on.

Stiles sighs and lets his hands drop and is now looking straight ahead of him. "Dude, I think I'm in love with him."

"Woah." Scott's hand drops to the bed. Stiles turns to him and smiles halfheartedly.

"Yeah. Tell me about it." He shakes his head and huffs out a laugh. "Oh dude, if someone had told me a year ago that I'd be pouring my heart out to you about my undying love for Derek Hale, I would've just given them my shrink's number."

Scott gives him a small smile, concern still not leaving his eyes and asks, "So you want to stay because of Derek?"

Stiles bites his lip and looks serious again. "Not just because of him. There's my dad, and you, and the packs... But yeah, he kind of would be the main reason. No offense." He looks at Scott who nods understandingly at him.

"And this is what actually sucks, I don't even know if Derek wants me here! I mean, yes, _I've _developed something more than just a boner for him, but what if he doesn't feel the same way? Knowing my luck, the odds are he's still absolutely happy being just friends with benefits. I have no idea how he feels, so I have no clue what to do here. What if I stay and then find out that he actually wanted me gone?" Stiles sighs again, running a hand through his hair. "Sorry, man, I know I'm rambling like some pathetic girl and it probably doesn't even make any sense, I'm just.. I don't know what to do."

"Okay, well, I have an idea. I know it may sound crazy, but just bear with me, okay?"

"Okay." Stiles says looking at Scott suspiciously.

"How about you just go see him aaand-" Scott draws out, teasing.

"Aaand?" Stiles gestures with his hand for his friend to continue.

"And talk to him about it!" Scott finishes with a grin.

"Dude, I know you think you're being funny, but this really _is_ a crazy idea. I really don't appreciate being slammed into walls."

"Stiles, come on. I know Derek can get all intense, but, as much as it pains me to say this, I'm pretty sure he cares about you."

Stiles opens his mouth to protest, but Scott cuts him off by putting his hand back on Stiles' shoulder and gently squeezing it.

"Just trust me on this, okay? Talk to him."

"Yeah, okay." Stiles sighs. "And Scott?"

"Yeah?"

"You're really not dumb. Clueless at times? Yes. Lost most of the time? Yes. But you're not dumb."

Scott punches him lightly in the arm and smiles.

"Thanks, buddy."

* * *

Derek is making pasta when he hears the sound of familiar footsteps down the hall. He's now living in a newly built apartment building where he's moved after the Alpha pack came into town. It's a one bedroom apartment, with a small living room that's attached to an even smaller kitchenette, but it's more than enough for him. Stiles had annoyed Derek into buying more than just a fridge and a bed and ended up decorating the whole place himself. Derek smiles at the memory of all those nights they'd spent on Stiles' laptop, going through the Ikea page and selecting curtains and shelves, with Derek just sitting there, all pained expressions and constant groans. He'd complained a lot, but eventually he still let Stiles pick whatever he wanted.

"Hey." Stiles waves awkwardly when Derek opens the door before the boy even has a chance to knock.

"Hey." Derek answers suspiciously, already feeling a wave of discomfort rolling of the boy. "Come in." He says as he turns to get back to his food and hears Stiles closing the door behind him and following him into the kitchenette.

"You hungry?" Derek asks not turning from the stove.

"Um, no. No, thanks." He hears Stiles shift in his place. "I, uh, kind of came here to talk to you."

"Okay." Derek says turning off the stove and pulling out a plate from a cupboard above his head.

"So... I got into BHC. And MIT. And everyone keeps telling me to go to MIT. And I think I... might." Stiles says, somewhat cautious.

Derek winces a little as he puts the plate down. He knew that this day would come, but he tried his best to avoid thinking about it. He's also tried to avoid thinking about how much he didn't want for this day to come. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, collects himself and turns around, trying to look as if those words haven't just put him through his own mini panic attack.

"Okay." He simply says. This thing between him and Stiles... It was meant to be nothing. Just two people, who have gone through enough crap, trying to find some comfort in each other's beds. That's all this was supposed to be. And if somewhere along the way this boy has started to mean more to Derek than he thought was even possible, well, he certainly wasn't going to admit that out loud.

The thing is, Derek's not stupid. He knows why Stiles came here today. He probably wants Derek to give him some kind of a hint that there's something more between them than it actually is. And as much as Derek wants to tell Stiles how serious he feels about him, how much he doesn't want him to leave, he won't do it, because he was a teenager once, too. He too has confused his hormones with real feelings and look how that ended up for him. Derek is aware of how he looks, he knows what it does to people. If there's one thing he's sure of, it's that Stiles is definitely not with him for his winning personality. Derek doesn't want him to throw everything away just because of a stupid little crush, because he's sure this is exactly what this is for Stiles.

He's always known that Stiles was going to get into a good school, because despite of what Stiles might sometimes think of himself, he's one of the smartest and sharpest people Derek's ever met. So he definitely isn't going to stand in Stiles' way of starting a new life, a better one, as much as he wants to.

But if Stiles finds other reasons to stay, then it's okay. Then maybe they can keep going at this and maybe eventually Stiles will start to feel as serious about this as Derek already does.

"Okay? Okay. That's… your reaction. You think it's okay." There's something resembling hurt in Stiles' eyes, and Derek ignores the pang in his chest at the sight of it.

"I think if this is what you want, then you should do it."

"So you think I should go to Massachusetts." Stiles says with a steady voice, but his heartbeat is giving out just exactly how nervous he is. Derek ignores that too.

"I think you can and should do whatever you want, Stiles." He says, turning his head to look out the window. He knows he's doing the right thing by rejecting him, but it doesn't make him feel any better about the fact that he's the reason for that miserable look on Stiles' face.

"Okay. You don't have anything else to say about this?"

He does. He wants to say so many things._ I want you _and _I need you_ and_ don't ever leave _and_ stay with me, please _but he can't, none of those words would feel right coming from his mouth. And even if he knew how to say it, he still wouldn't, because saying all those things would be selfish, and he can't be that, not with Stiles. It takes everything he has to not look back at Stiles in a way that would radiate everything he's feeling and thinking. Because he knows how observant Stiles is and he's sure Stiles could read him. He would read him and make a decision Derek secretly wants him to make, without him having to say it out loud. And Derek can't let that happen, because what he wants isn't what Stiles needs. He won't ask him to stay, but he won't tell him to leave, either. This way, if he does stay, it won't be for Derek. If Stiles decides to stay after this, than it will be a decision made based on other reasons, and Derek will have nothing to do with it. _He's doing the right thing_. He's letting Stiles decide this on his own.

So he turns to look back at Stiles, keeping his expression blank, a skill he's learnt so many years ago, and doesn't say anything.

After a few moments of heavy silence, Stiles just scoffs and shakes his head, lowering it and looking to the ground.

"Yeah, I thought so."

Then he swallows and looks up at Derek, nodding his head a little.

"Okay then, I guess I'll see you around."

When Derek still doesn't say anything, he nods again, turns around and leaves. Derek winces when the door shuts with a slam, not being able to tear his eyes away from it, from where Stiles has just been standing but isn't anymore. He's not here anymore and he probably won't come back and it's only for the best, hell, Derek _knows_ that it is, but right now it doesn't feel like that at all. Right now it feels like he's empty and alone and coming undone once again.

_Nothing's decided yet,_ Derek thinks to himself, _He still might decide to stay. _


	2. Chapter 2

"Dude, you're worse at answering your phone than I am! How'd it go?" Scott says when Stiles finally answers his phone after trying to ignore it for the past hour that he's been lying face down on his bed.

"Splendidly. He basically offered to pack my bags for me."

"What? Really?!" Scott sounds shocked.

"No." Stiles sighs and rolls onto his back. "But he might as well have. He said he was okay with me leaving. That I should do whatever I want."

"Stiles."

"What?"

"Did you even tell him how you feel?"

When Stiles doesn't answer, Scott just shouts, "Oh my God, you two are impossible!"

"He didn't exactly give me a chance to say anything, okay? I mean after I told him I was probably going to MIT, he instantly suggested he was perfectly fine with it. I couldn't exactly go on with my love declarations after that, now could I?" Stiles spits out irritated.

There's a couple of seconds of silence on the other side of the call before Scott speaks again.

"But I don't get it though. Whenever he's around you he smells... different. Better. Happier? I don't know, I'm not very good at all this scenting thing yet. But he definitely smells different. And he's sending off these vibes, like, really positive ones. Before you two started, you know... doing your thing,"

Stiles rolls his eyes at his friend's choice of words. How can Scott be so mature and immature at the same time?

"it was like he was constantly radiating anger and distrust and stuff like that. But after... you know" he pauses. "He's actually not so tense anymore. And I'm not the only one who feels it, the others do too. Isaac says that it's been good for their pack." He pauses again. "I really don't get it. He cares about you. You make him happy. That's obvious."

"Yeah, well maybe it's obvious for those with superpowers, but for us mere humans it kind of looks like he doesn't give a shit."

"That's definitely not true though, I just told you-"

"Yeah, exactly, Scott. _You_ told me. You. Not Derek. He could be writing sonnets about his undying love for me or howling at the moon each night we spend apart for all I care, it doesn't mean anything if he can't actually admit it that he wants me here. Maybe he does. But if he can't even say it out loud then..."

Well, maybe Derek doesn't want it badly enough. Maybe he's sending off those 'positive vibes' just because he's getting his dick blown regularly. Stiles is not going to sit back and wait for Derek to realize what it is that he actually wants and be treated like a casual fuck in the meantime. He knows he's not what they call 'a catch', but even he doesn't deserve to be treated like that. He's been through enough shit and he refuses to go through any more. He's done with feeling like he's not even good enough to be asked to stay.

"Jesus, I don't even want for him to say that he loves me or anything, I just-"

He's cut off by his throat suddenly closing and he has to hold back a sob he didn't even feel coming. Stiles knows he shouldn't react like this, knows that it's needy and pathetic, God he's _so pathetic_, but he's so wound up he can't even calm down right now.

"I'm sorry, Stiles. I really thought he'd ask you to stay." Scott says silently.

"Yeah, me too." Stiles sniffs and wipes at his eyes with his hand. "Oh, well. Fuck him, right? His loss, someone else's gain. I'm sure everyone at MIT will want to get all up in this." He tries to sound playful, but his voice is subdued and a little shaky.

"I'm sure they will, buddy." Scott says and Stiles can hear his smile even through the phone. "So you're leaving then?"

"Probably." He says with a pause. "I don't know. I still have to think some things through. I meant it when I said that Derek wouldn't be the only one I'd stay for. So yeah, I guess I need some more time to think about it."

"Well, whatever you decide, I'm on your side, dude."

"I know. Thanks, Scott." Stiles smiles weakly. At least he was right about one thing- this, the thing between him and Scott, will never change. He holds on to that and tries to reassure himself that it's all he actually needs.

* * *

Stiles doesn't tell anyone what he's going to do until the very last day and the time leading to that is pure torture for Derek. He sees Stiles a few times after their talk, when they run into each other on the street or at the grocery store or during a couple of emergency meetings with both Scott's and Derek's packs and the hunters when a Siren is passing through Beacon Hills. They try to act like there never was anything between them, but everyone can feel the slightly uncomfortable vibe that hangs in the air every time they're around each other. There's less goofing around and joking on Stiles' end and when it comes to Derek, he's more tense and closed-off, just like he was before this thing between them had started.

But sometimes Stiles looks at him and there's something there, something in the way his expression shifts, in the way his scent changes. He smells like affection and longing and heartbreak. Like he doesn't want to leave any more than Derek wants him gone. Derek won't tell him that though, he can't, he's made a promise.

In fact, he knows he should say the exact opposite thing, he should tell Stiles to leave, to go as far away from here as possible. Staying here would mean dealing with things no human should ever be dealing with and being in lethal danger almost on a daily basis. And Stiles' leaving would mean him being safe and having a shot at a normal life that he so very much deserves.

Derek should tell him to leave, but he's too weak and selfish and he can't. But he can't ask Stiles to stay, either, because if he does and something happens to the boy, Derek won't be able to take it and he will have no one but himself to blame.

So he still doesn't say anything and keeps his position on finally letting Stiles win their everlasting argument about how Derek is an overprotective tyrant and doesn't trust and respect Stiles enough to let him make his own decisions, how he doesn't accept that Stiles is not a weak defenseless child and that he can take care of himself, even though Derek hasn't been thinking any of that for awhile now. He has to stay out of this and let Stiles decide what he wants.

Derek's wolf keeps gauging the scents the boy emits and his body language, and assures Derek that all signs lead to Stiles staying.

He doesn't.

* * *

What's another lost loved one, anyway? The constant ache he starts to feel in his gut after Stiles leaves is actually good. This is something Derek knows, something he's used to. It's what he's supposed to feel, in addition to the guilt and self-loathing.

Being with Stiles made him forget what he'd done, how his foolish mistake had gotten his whole family killed. He forgot that everything that has happened in Beacon Hills in recent years- Laura's death, Scott getting bitten, the kanima, his betas and Stiles being kidnapped and tortured, the Alpha pack, everything- had been his fault, in one way or another. Somehow Stiles had managed to make him believe that none of it happened because of Derek, that Derek was actually the good guy in this story. But now Stiles is gone and it's like Derek's been woken up from some kind of a dream. Reality came crashing down on him once again and now he's back to the way he was before. He's hurting and angry and it's what he's supposed to be, it's what keeps him grounded.

Well, he's not _exactly_ the same as he was when he first came back from New York. He knows now that being that way won't get him far as an Alpha and it won't do any good for his pack. He knows now that his betas don't need a leader who shouts at them, throws them into walls and withholds information from them. They need an Alpha who's helpful and caring, one who makes them feel safe and protected and like they're an essential part of the pack. So he's balancing his pain and anger with thoughtfulness and devotion, keeping his dark side mostly to himself, letting it unfold only when he's alone and running in the woods, or lying awake at night, and everything seems to fall into its place eventually.

Scott has his own pack, consisting of him, Allison and Lydia, and Derek has Boyd, Isaac and Erica. Everyone's decided to stay as close to home as possible, choosing colleges that are only a few hours' drive away, so they're home every weekend. Boyd and Erica have decided to stay in Beacon Hills and take some online classes, helping Derek renovate the Hale house in the meantime.

By the end of the first year, Scott's even warmed up to Derek. They're always working together when something supernatural claws its way to Beacon Hills, fighting the Big Bad Of The Week side by side. They even start spending some time together besides that, both packs going camping or having monthly movie nights together.

Everything goes like that for the next few years, with only a few bigger changes. Derek finishes renovating the Hale house during everyone's freshman year and Boyd and Erica move into it when it's done. Scott breaks up with Allison for good by the end of their sophomore year in college and moves in with Isaac. They start off as friends, but sometime in their junior year it grows into something more, then into something _a lot_ more, and the two packs grow even closer because of the strong bond the two boys share, until they finally merge into one pack and Scott agrees to Derek being their Alpha and finally becomes his beta. Lydia gets her degree in Applied Mathematics two years earlier because she's a genius and moves back to Beacon Hills to start her own financial management firm. Allison is the one who checks in the least and leaves the pack entirely during their junior year.

Stiles doesn't come home for any of his breaks, but he checks in regularly with the others and everyone goes to visit him in Massachusetts at least a couple of times a year so Derek knows he's doing really good, successfully pursuing his degree in Linguistics and just basically enjoying a carefree college experience.

The fact of it makes Derek ache a little less, or at least that's what he tells himself. His human part knows that Stiles is better off in Cambridge, knows that Derek should be happy for him and just move on. But his wolf refuses to adapt to the loss of someone who'd become such an essential part of Derek, someone who'd finally managed to make him let go of all the pain and fear, who'd made him feel strong and safe. Someone who both Derek and the wolf could finally trust, utterly and completely.

So Derek goes on with his life, acts like he's perfectly fine, even though all he wants to do is just wolf out and run straight to Stiles, claim him as his again, this time for forever, and take him back home. The only thing that's stopping him from doing that is the thought that Stiles is happy where he is.


	3. Chapter 3

His life in Cambridge is everything Stiles has ever dreamed of and more. He's enjoying all of his lectures and he's actually good at every single one of them- not that it's any kind of surprise, but still. He's also gotten himself a job at the local library where he has access to all the book funds and is able to do all the research on anything he can think of. And for the first time in his life, he's somewhere he fits in perfectly. Here at MIT, Stiles is actually popular. Not only is his social life finally existent, but it's also hectic- he's being dragged out to bars and parties almost on a daily basis. He's being hit on by both hot intelligent girls and guys alike. He has everything he's ever wished for and yet there is something missing, something that keeps nagging at him constantly.

It's like there's a hole inside of him that stretches more and more with every day that passes. It's almost as if he's lost a part of him, and he feels exactly the same way he did when his mother had died and it doesn't make any sense to him.

At first it comes as a shock, the way he misses Derek. Of course, he'd kind of figured that he might've been in love with him, but to have it confirmed was still a bit surprising at first. When whatever Derek and him had between them was going on, Stiles had been nothing more than a horny teenager. So for awhile after he'd left, he still entertained the idea that the thing he had for Derek was a just crush that had been caused by Derek's unbelievable attractiveness. Stiles tried to believe that it will go away eventually. But as time slowly goes by, he realizes that it won't.

Sure, he misses the other man's touch on his skin and the way their bodies fit so seemingly perfectly as they moved together. But to Stiles' surprise, that isn't the only thing he misses. More than once he catches himself reaching out to the other side of the bed in search for one particularly warm body as he slowly drifts back into consciousness in the early mornings, wanting to rest his hand on one particular face, in order to gently stroke his fingertips on the stubble which patterns he'd come to know so well. He misses the sight of Derek slowly blinking his eyes awake next to him, misses the way he used to look in those first moments of wakefulness- so calm and relaxed, his hair all fluffy and messed up from sleep, eyelids fluttering a bit as a small smile found its place on his face upon seeing Stiles looking at him in fascination.

He misses the nights spent together watching movies that Stiles had picked against all Derek's protests, misses how Derek would only complain for the first ten minutes after the beginning of the movie and then watch it till the very end nonetheless, not telling Stiles to shut up even once even though the boy would be commenting on everything and babbling out random facts about the making of the movie non-stop.

He misses how domestic they used to get sometimes, sitting barefoot and shirtless on the carpet in Derek's living room in front of the TV and having take-out for dinner, with Stiles rambling on about how he could make them something equally as delicious or even better because his mom had been teaching him how to cook ever since he was basically just a toddler and how by the age of 11 he was almost better at it than she was and sharing other facts from his life that he'd never told anyone besides Scott before. He misses how Derek always seemed to be listening to his every word, occasionally letting some memories of his own family slip out.

Most of all, he misses the person Derek had been starting to be around him- the person Stiles started to think Derek always had been before the fire- someone more playful and honest, caring and devoted. During their last few months together, Stiles had started to see more and more of this other side of Derek- the _real_ Derek, the one that made Stiles fall for him gracelessly.

Stiles has long ago lost the count of how many times he thought about screwing everything and just getting into his jeep and going straight to Beacon Hills. He's also lost count of how many times he actually got into his jeep and went so far as to the state line of Massachusetts, only to swear at himself and turn around after convincing himself that Derek never felt quite exactly as strongly about Stiles as Stiles did about him.

He's wanted to go home to see his father and friends, too, because being apart from them is just an added bonus to all the distress he feels from not being with Derek. Sure, they come to visit more often than not, especially his dad and Scott, but it isn't nearly enough. And yet he still doesn't go back, stays exactly where he is, trying to have as good a time as a normal college student away from home possibly can, and he tries his best to ignore the fact that none of the things he does have any luck on filling the huge empty void inside of him.

* * *

It's the end of the summer after his graduation and it's been exactly four years since Stiles last saw Derek.

Each year on this day he gets up feeling like he's drowning, pressure in his lungs and throat almost making him choke. Each year he spends the entire day locked in his apartment and getting drunk on whiskey that he always buys a few days in advance. Each year he

drinks himself into oblivion, wallowing in self-pity until he finally drifts to sleep and doesn't go out for a few days after that, sometimes even for a week, depending on how long it takes for him to pull himself together enough to at least look presentable to others.

Not this year. This year he decides that he's finally had enough, so he just packs all of his most important belongings to his jeep, leaves his key with a note to his roommate who will come back at the beginning of September as he always does, and goes to the library to tell Ms. Statham that he's leaving for good.

When he drives out of Cambridge, Stiles feels determined and more sure of what he's doing than he has in years. He takes a deep breath and something in his chest loosens up a bit as he feels some of the tension he's felt for so long finally start to slowly slip away. He's finally coming home.

* * *

Of course, all of his determination and confidence fades away instantly when he sees the sign that says that there are only three miles left to Beacon Hills. He feels his breathing getting heavier and heavier with ever second, so he decides to pull over in the nearest place possible, which, naturally, is the parking lot of a road side bar. Stiles' hands are shaking and he's more nervous than he's been in a very long time, besides, he's been on the road for nearly three days, only stopping to get a few hours' sleep, so he decides that having one drink wouldn't hurt at this point.

It's nearly 10 p.m. when he walks in and the bar is full of people, varying from truck drivers to underage teenagers who wouldn't pass their fake IDs in any bar in Beacon Hills. Stiles plops down on a stool at the bar and orders himself three fingers of bourbon.

He doesn't know what he expects to happen once he gets back, doesn't even know what he's going to do. Will he storm into Derek's place and yell at him and punch him and just let go of all the pain and anger he's felt through the years? Or will he just launch himself on him, kissing him desperately and needy, like he's wanted to do every single day since he left. He doesn't know what he'll do, but he knows that he has to do something, because he can't keep living this way, he refuses to be a mere parody of a normal person anymore.

The bartender keeps bringing him drinks and he doesn't even notice when he starts to feel a bit light headed and out of balance. But his courage is back now, so he just downs the remnants of his liquor and stumbles out of the bar to his jeep, feeling as confident as ever.

"We're going home, baby!" He shouts as he eagerly taps the steering wheel and starts the engine after the third attempt to get his key into the ignition.

* * *

Derek has had both some bad and extremely bad days during the time Stiles had been gone. But the worst of them comes when he wakes up to the sound of a text message from Isaac in the middle of the night.

_"Stiles's in BH hospital. car accident. thought u should know."_


	4. Chapter 4

OKAY SO THIS IS THE LAST PART. I'M SORRY FOR ALL THE ANGST AND DRAMA AND CHEESINESS, I REALLY AM. I just had a lot of feels and this is what came out as a result. I hope it's not too awful and you'll still be able to enjoy this at least a little bit. *buries face in hands and cries*

* * *

Derek doesn't even know how he manages to get to the hospital without crashing into something or running someone over. But he's there now and he's trying to ignore the strong scent of blood, chemicals and death that surrounds him as he makes his way to the fifth floor.

When he finally gets there after what seems like hours, he has to refrain from using all of his strength as he shoves Scott out of his way to get to Stiles' ward. Isaac then put his hand on Derek's shoulder but the Alpha shrugs it off harshly and moves to go past Scott who is now lying on the floor.

"Derek, I don't think he'll want to see you right now, I already told you on the phone, he's-"

Fine. Yes, he had said that to Derek when he called Isaac as he was getting out of his house. But that didn't matter, Derek knew he wouldn't be able to calm down until he saw Stiles himself.

He shuts the door behind him in Isaac's face and turns the lock. Then he turns around and feels a wave of relief wash over him at the sight of Stiles, sitting up in the hospital bed and looking at him like he's seeing Derek for the first time in his life. He has a few bruises on his face and arms, but other than that he really does seem fine.

Derek's knees almost give out when all of his worry goes away and about a hundred other emotions wash over him all at once. He wants to launch himself to the bed, take Stiles in his arms and tell him how much he's missed him, tell him how worried he was, ask him to never leave again. But instead of_ thank God you're okay_ and_ I missed you_, all that comes out is:

"You were driving _drunk_?! _You_?!"

Stiles gapes at him in shock for a second and then his expression morphs into one of pure anger.

"Wow, fuck you, Derek, you of all people don't get to be upset about this and yell at me!"

When Derek doesn't say anything and just stands at the end of Stiles' bed, his eyes fixed on the huge bruise right next to Stiles' temple, the human lets out a frustrated sigh.

"What are you even doing here, Derek?"

Derek blinks at the honest wonder in Stiles' voice. Like he's actually surprised that Derek came to see him after he's been in an accident. "I had to make sure you were okay."

Stiles snorts. "Like you care."

That's when Derek snaps. That's when all of the emotions he's kept bottled up inside of him all these years hit him and he just can't hold back anymore.

"Like I _care_? What, you think I don't?" Stiles just looks at him blankly and doesn't say anything. Derek can't believe this. "How can you even think that?!"

"Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe because this is the first time I've seen you in _FOUR._ _YEARS._"

"You were gone, Stiles! You left and you never came back, what the hell was I supposed to do?"

"There are phones, Derek! Emails! Letters even, you fucking caveman! You could have contacted me, you just clearly didn't want to."

"Didn't want to?" He widens his eyes and then huffs out a laugh, shaking his head in disbelief. "Stiles, you were the one who left, I simply respected your decision."

"What- you know what, that's a load of bullshit, Derek! You seemed more than happy for me to leave, so fuck you."

"I _never_ wanted you to leave, Stiles!" His eyes flash red and Derek feels the wolf scratch just beneath the surface and takes a few steadying breaths while Stiles just looks at him startled for a couple of minutes and Derek can pinpoint the exact second when his words sink in Stiles' head.

"How the fuck was I supposed to know that?!"

"You weren't. That was the point."

Stiles' face goes blank once again.

"What?"

Derek averts his eyes and stares at the chair besides the bed. He can't look at Stiles, can't deal with the sadness and anger in his eyes, not when he knows that he's the reason for it. Derek knows it must've been hard to deal with their break up when it happened, but it's been four years. Just because Derek felt like falling apart every day, doesn't mean that Stiles felt the same way. He was just a child back then, of course it's not possible that what he felt for Derek was something real. Something permanent. So why is Stiles still angry about this? Maybe he just wants an explanation. That's fair. Derek can give him that.

"I didn't want you to throw everything away just because of your teenage crush on me, Stiles. You had an opportunity to leave all of this behind, to get a good education, to start over. You needed to figure out if there was anything else keeping you here besides me. _That's_ why I didn't say anything."

"Oh my God, Derek, I bet you think you are a hero for doing that, don't you? What, you're telling me that _that _was the moment you suddenly decided to let me make my own decisions? And God, you're such a hypocrite! Do you not realize that by not saying anything you'd already made that decision for me?"

"Well then it's obvious that I made the right one, because apparently, there _wasn't_ anything else keeping you here."

"Of course there was, you idiot! I finally had friends, not just one friend, _friends_, as in plural. I never had that before, did you even know that? And there was my dad, who I never wanted to leave, because he's the only family I've got left, Derek. So yeah, there _were_ other reason for me to stay."

"Then why didn't you?" Derek snaps his head back to Stiles, and he feels frustrated again. Why _did_ Stiles leave then? Why couldn't he have stayed if he wanted to so badly? This didn't make any sense to him and for some reason it made him infuriatingly mad.

"Because I thought you didn't give a shit about me, Derek!" Stiles shouts and his eyes look a little bleary. He closes them, takes a deep breath and then opens them again, continuing in a steady voice. "Do you know what it felt like when your only reaction to the possibility of me leaving was 'okay'? I was fucking in love with you, Derek and you basically told me you didn't care whether I stayed or left. I couldn't even look at you without feeling like someone was constantly punching me in the gut." He turns his eyes away from the werewolf at the last bit and it comes out so silent it probably would've been impossible for human ears to catch, but Derek hears it. He hears it and it makes the wolf inside him want to howl. "So yeah, I couldn't exactly stay around you after that, could I?"

Derek just stands there, completely taken aback by Stiles' words. He doesn't know what to do with them. His heart is pounding in his chest and his mind is racing.

Stiles scoffs and goes on, still not looking at Derek.

"And the worst part is, that it didn't even help getting away. It didn't help one fucking bit. Not even one goddamn day went by without me thinking about just dropping everything and going back, because being away from you was that unbearable. And for some fucking reason I can't stop feeling this way about you, I can't seem to stop wanting to come back to you."

All that's left of Derek's anger drains out of him, just like that. It hits him that he'd been wrong, so wrong. That by not telling Stiles exactly how he felt, he didn't do him a favor like he thought he had. All it did for Stiles was hurt him and Derek couldn't believe he was so stupid not to see that.

A couple minutes of heavy silence pass until Derek finally manages to make his throat work again.

"I was too, you know. With you." He says and his voice is shaking. God, his whole body is shaking and it just won't stop.

Stiles looks at him now, wide-eyed and hopeful and Derek knows what he has to do this time, knows what he should say, he's trying so hard to do it. But he hasn't said those words in years and he doesn't quite know how to anymore, because the last time he said it to someone, they made his whole world crumble down around him.

But Stiles was nothing like her. He was kind, caring and loyal and he would never do anything to hurt Derek, even though he sure as hell had the potential for it. He was the one who, despite all of his constant babbling and annoying sarcastic comments, managed to make his way into Derek's life, get under his skin and make him lose all of his defenses. He was the one who taught Derek how to trust others and believe in himself again. Derek owes him so much and he's going to spend the rest of his life trying to fix this if he has to.

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and tries to speak again.

"I never stopped- God, Stiles, I just. I never wanted you gone, I wished you'd come back, every day I-" he chokes on his words and he cannot _believe_ himself. He's so fucked up in the head he's going to screw this up again and he just wants to shift, to run away to the woods and just tear something apart.

"Derek.." He finally opens his eyes and sees that Stiles is staring at him like he still can't believe what he's hearing. Derek looks at him desperately, an involuntary whine escaping him, and Stiles just shakes his head and softly says "Come here, you idiot."

Derek doesn't hold himself back anymore, just determinedly closes the difference that separates him and the bed, leans down and kisses Stiles with all that he has. He reaches out to hold his face in his hands and completely loses himself when Stiles melts into his touch and starts kissing back, one of his hands going up into Derek's hair and the other one settling on the curve of his jaw, pulling him even closer. Derek moans into the kiss, deepening it and God, how he's missed this. Stiles moves them so Derek is on the bed with him now and they're holding onto each other like it's the most important thing in the world, like it's the only thing they've wanted to do for years, because it _is_.

They finally break the kiss, trying to even out their breathing, and Derek leans his forehead against Stiles' temple. He has his arms wrapped around Stiles' waist, one of Stiles' hands resting on Derek's forearm and the other one gently stroking his hair.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Derek says silently.

"This doesn't mean I'm not still mad at you, because I am." Stiles says, but he doesn't sound angry at all.

"I know."

"And you're gonna have to learn to use actual words if you want this to work this time."

Derek lifts his head to meet Stiles' eyes and he can't believe that he's actually _here_, in Derek's arms, and Derek never wants to let go again. He knows that there's a lot they need to talk about, a lot of things that need to be sorted out before they can even begin to try again, but he'll be damned if he won't give all that he has to this man, this one human who means as much to him as his whole pack, if not more.

"I still-" He chokes on his words again and feels the red seep into his eyes as frustration flows over him at his inability to say it, but before he manages to calm himself enough to try once more, Stiles' hands are holding his head, thumbs gently stroking his cheekbones.

"Okay. It's okay. Me too."

He looks at Derek for a couple of seconds, his expression serious, but soft, until he finally shakes his head and smiles.

"This is the last time you're getting away with stuttering though. I'm serious about the use of words. How are you not able to speak in normal sentences yet? If I remember it well, you used to take pleasure in sitting down with a good ol' fat dictionary."

Derek groans and buries his face in Stiles' neck. Suddenly it's like all those years he spent apart from Stiles, angry and guilt-ridden and hurt, were swiped away from his life in a matter of seconds and everything is just like it was before Stiles had left. He feels relaxed and content and he doesn't ever want to let go of this again. He doesn't and he won't. This time he'll actually ask for what he wants and he knows that he'll get to keep it.


End file.
